The most important issue in a gay man’s life is not “coming out”, but coming to terms with the invalidating past. Despite the progress made in recent years, many gay men still wonder, “Are we better off?” The byproduct of growing up gay in a straight world continues to be the internalization of shame, rejection, and anger - a toxic cocktail that can lead to drug abuse, promiscuity, alcoholism, depression, and suicide.

Drawing on contemporary psychological research, the author’s own journey, and the stories of many of his friends and clients, Velvet Rage addresses the myth of gay pride and outlines three stages to emotional well-being for gay men. The revised and expanded edition covers issues related to gay marriage, a broader range of examples that extend beyond middle-class gay men in America, and expansion of the original discussion on living authentically as a gay man.

Listening Length

7 hours and 14 minutes
Author

Alan Downs Ph. D
Narrator

Alan Downs Ph. D
Audible release date

12 June 2012
Language

English
Publisher

HighBridge, a division of Recorded Books
ASIN

1611746469
Version

Unabridged
Program Type

Audiobook
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Product details

Listening Length	7 hours and 14 minutes
Author	Alan Downs Ph. D
Narrator	Alan Downs Ph. D
Whispersync for Voice	Ready
Audible.com.au Release Date	12 June 2012
Publisher	HighBridge, a division of Recorded Books
Program Type	Audiobook
Version	Unabridged
Language	English
ASIN	1611746469
Best Sellers Rank	16,795 in Audible Books & Originals (See Top 100 in Audible Books & Originals) 8 in Gay Studies 30 in LGBTQ+ Studies (Books) 64 in LGBTQ+ Rights & Expression

Customer reviews

5 star		80%
4 star		12%
3 star		5%
2 star		2%
1 star		1%

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Top reviews from Australia

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David

I can't recommend more highly this book- so many ah-ha moments!

Reviewed in Australia on 3 June 2017

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A must read book for all human beings who choose to know themselves on a deeper level. Though the book is written from a gay perspective, it holds value for all as it speaks about the fundamental emotion that lies under all our 'not good enough' stuff that holds us back and keeps us small and limited.

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Lawrence

Amazing

Reviewed in Australia on 20 December 2016

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Such an insight and so poetically written that I believe this will be a text I shall revisit frequently. Great work.

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Charlie

This book is priceless, the most mean full book in my life.

Reviewed in Australia on 7 February 2020

This book means the world to me. My life and all it’s difficulties growing up gay in a straight world is explored and for once explained.
I owned a physical copy of the book but on Audiable I can now listen to clips if ever I’m feeling a bit alone in my anxieties or depression. It seems growing up gay in the 80’s, 90’s and 00’s is a common experience. Regardless of age, we all faced similar scenarios. With love from Melbourne.

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Amazon Customer

One of the best books I've read

Reviewed in Australia on 27 January 2017

The Velvet Rage is an excellent & essential read for all gay men.

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Top reviews from other countries

Mike

Outdated book full of stereotypes

Reviewed in the United Kingdom on 21 October 2019

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An ex recommended this after we split, as it was helping him with his issues. Thought I'd give it a go. I'm sure it's insightful for some people. But for me it reads like it excuses a lot of behaviour because of shame/internalised homophobia. In the book every gay man had father issues / was bad at sport at school / is full of shame / leads a lavish lifestyle full of parties/expensive shopping trips/casual sex, which is nonsense. It's bascially a list of case studies of stereotypical men (usually called Randy) that have relationship issues because of their shame.

I'm sure it's helpful for some people. And if you're feeling bad because of your unhealthy lifestyle / sex addition / substance abuse it'll help. But other than a couple of insightful paragraphs it's mostly nonsense.

18 people found this helpful

Kris

Rubbish book

Reviewed in the United Kingdom on 23 December 2018

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Rubbish book. The author didn’t even bother to consider that being a gay man is one thing and the stereotype of a gay man is another. He even didn’t considered to add that the childhood factors like growing up in disfunctional families can cause lots of problems in a gay adult life which he stupidly classified as stages of a gays men life. Waste of money I should ask this pseudo writer for refund..

15 people found this helpful

W. Cooke

A strong opening chapter

Reviewed in the United Kingdom on 3 January 2021

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First off, the beginning chapters of this book are very good. They describe an experience growing up gay that I as a self identified queer man can vibe with. Even in a supportive household queer kids learn all too quickly what is and isn't acceptable parts of themselves to show. It stresses the book is writing very clearly about the gay male experience and acknowledges that the broad strokes it paints with could apply to lesbians too but are expressed in different ways. No acknowledgement is made however in highlighting the experience of non cis, non white gays
Topping that off, the book feels horribly upper middle class; talk of clients from executive backgrounds being ashamed of who they are. That may not be the experience of every gay. There's also an assumption that most gays come from a home with a caring mother and distant father. Another middle class assumption borne of the author's upbringing and environment.
It takes a certain view on non-monogamy and promiscuity, framing it as a symptom of trying to overcompensate for a lack of validation in teen years and while that's certainly probably the case for some, it doesn't frame anything other than monogamy as intrinsically rewarding. Like the "bitter queens hanging on to the bar, pining for their lost youth and beauty whilst desperately trying to hook up with another 20 year old twink just to feel something" certainly do exist. It doesn't mean everyone who has lots of sex is one of them and in need of fixing.
The book was first published, far as I can tell, in 2006 so we don't get much discussion in the way the modern LGBTQ+ movement has affected overall attitudes. And again this is a very white, very affluent, middle class view on gayness.
I wonder too what would be said of social media had this book come out today. Since a lot of what is said about seeking extrinsic validation could apply to Instagram instead of just to people hosting lavish parties or selling art for tens of thousands of dollars.
No effort is made to understand how a working class gay with very little disposable income or social capital would have to cope with what's described in the opening chapters around the shame of growing up different to most of ones peers.

That said, the opening chapters are definitely the strongest part of the book. Pinning how I'm sure a lot of queer people, not just gay cis men, will have come to understand the world and learned to cope by behaving certain ways or masking.
The final chapters, however, are mindfulness exercises I'm sure a lot of people would benefit from. Not terrible but learning that the author is now a life coach makes perfect sense to me. He's also a PhD psychologist so, like, I don't doubt this man's credentials
Overall it was a decent read. I feel this is more a book for a straight audience looking to understand the gay experience a little better, however it paints with both broad strokes about gay culture in general whilst only ever being a snapshot of a very particular group of gays
This was more of a self help book than I was looking for, I think. Again, not a bad book; the first third really resonated with me. It lost me near the end though.

2 people found this helpful

D. Thompson

Hard reading, but an essential one for gay men.

Reviewed in the United Kingdom on 1 August 2020

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If you are gay, and dealing with internalised issues of guilt and shame, then this book is for you. It beautifully describes and explains some of the deep issues many of us developers through recognising we are ‘different’ even before we have words for knowing how or why - how we learn to hide tha ‘difference’ and in the process seal off a huge part of ourselves, and then spend a lifetime trying to understand why we feel so empty - and then shows some of the ways we can learn to love and accept ourselves AS WE ARE, faults and all.

A hard and sometimes painful book to read, but well worth the effort and the self-examination to find real understanding and self-acceptance.

4 people found this helpful

Joshua Farnham

MASSIVELY DISSAPPOINTING! Crammed full of lazy & offensive generalisations and stereotypes!

Reviewed in the United Kingdom on 22 September 2020

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I have never written a review on Amazon before but have felt compelled to do so now. Having read great reviews about this book including that it was a must-read for gay men, I was excited to get my hands on it. Unfortunately, it did not live up to the hype at all! It quickly becomes apparent that the author writes from a privileged and narrow perspective, with his examples of his clients all being wealthy L.A. middle/upper-class career focussed.
If his target audience was made more clear, the book would make more sense (i.e. it was stated that it was older, wealthy men from California who like fashion and pop culture). Instead, it is supposedly meant for all gay men and yet it fails to demonstrate a broad range of experiences that gay men live through.

There is not even an attempt to acknowledge that gay men will have diverse backgrounds. Instead, regularly he writes things like, "we all grew up with" or "we think" etc. A good example of this over-generalisation is this paragraph from page 16 where he asserts of the gay man's childhood experience:
"This little boy grows up to be a man who is supposedly knowledgable of culture and fashion. A man of Adonis-sized proportions and many lovers. A man of great success and wealth. A fabulous and outrageous host. An arbiter of good taste and elegant design. A pop-culture aficionado."

I often find it difficult on Amazon when something has great reviews but then some give it 1 star. On this occasion, however, I really wish I had read the 1-star reviews properly and not wasted my time reading this book.
I am passionate about understanding the impact of shame on gay lives including my own (having, in part, written my dissertation on this topic). Maybe this book will speak to some and I don’t doubt the sincerity of the author in his intentions, but for me at least, it's lazy generalisations were too hard to look past and marred any well-meaning attempt to be a useful tool for gay men.

4 people found this helpful

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The Velvet Rage: Overcoming the Pain of Growing Up Gay in a Straight Man's World Audible Audiobook – Unabridged

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